Ruchi’s patience is depleting with every passing day with her colleague Rahul, who also happens to be in the same team as Ruchi’s. A couple of weeks back, Rahul undermined Ruchi’s potential by making an offensive comment, and recently he did the same in front of the entire team. She decided to boldly confront Rahul about it and tell her how his words and actions affect her. As she approached Rahul, she lost her nerves and failed to communicate. Rahul continued humiliating her again and again, almost daily. Ruchi’s frustration and her inability to do anything about it made her feel terrible. Yet, she could not bring herself to talk to him.
However, it is very much possible that you can relate to Ruchi or at least put yourself in her shoes. There are a lot of situations where we feel tied up and are not able to assert ourselves. In this article, you will learn how one can be more assertive and stand for oneself. It will help you communicate better and be more confident. Firstly, we will look at what assertiveness is and why it is important in the work environment. Secondly, some strategies that you can follow to be more assertive.
What is Assertiveness?
I am sure you must be wondering, what is the need to define or understand assertiveness. Assertive behavior is not very easily identifiable because there is a very fine line between being assertive and aggressive. It is imperative to closely look into both of the behaviors and define them so that it becomes easy for us to distinguish one from the other.
- Assertiveness: It is all about hitting the right balance between your right/ wants/ needs and considering the other person’s needs/ wants/ desires. When you display assertiveness, you make sure you get your point across firmly in an empathetic manner.
- Aggressiveness: When you are aggressive, you do what is solely in your personal interest. You do not care about the other person’s needs/wants/desires and are driven by your own self-interest. People who display aggression are looked at as selfish and pushy.
Let’s try and understand it using an example. Your boss dumps a pile of work on your desk just a day before taking leave for vacation. He demands to get his work done in the shortest period possible. Now, this is being aggressive when you disregard the feelings and needs of the other person. On the other hand, you inform your boss about your vacation plan and assure him that the work will be done but after you return from your vacation.
In this case, you should inform your boss about your preplanned vacation. Assure him that the work will be done only when you will return to work. This way, you hit the right spot between being run over by your boss and displaying aggression. In this, you do not compromise with your rights while acknowledging the need of your boss to get the work done.
Advantages of being Assertive
Many benefits of being assertive can help you come across as a confident person. Not just that, it will help you gain a better understanding of your rights and your true value. Assertiveness provides a wide array of benefits in several areas of your life.
- Perfect Managers: People with assertiveness can get things done by treating people fairly and with the respect they deserve, and in return, they make sure that they are treated in the same way. It shows that they are well received by people and are looked at as leaders. Even people prefer to work with people who are assertive and exudes confidence.
- Best at negotiating a win-win situation: They can recognize where they stand against their opponents and find common ground for both parties.
- Believes in doing more: They prefer doing more than just speaking. They are encouraged to find the best possible solutions to the problem they face.
- Are less anxious and stressed: They lead and not follow. They don’t easily lose hope and give in or succumb to the stress and never put themselves in the position where they are victimized.
Things you should look out for
Assertiveness is not the most appreciated thing in all cultures. Some organizations and cultures prefer people to be passive. They view assertiveness to be rude and inappropriate on some levels. There is research that shows that the gender of the person also determines how assertiveness is being perceived. Men are more likely to be rewarded for being assertive as compared to their female counterparts.
You should keep in mind the culture and workplace context before you start to change your behavior. Make sure you do not conflate this idea to succumbing to the status quo. Rather be bold and be vocal about things you think are not right. The best thing to in such a situation is to take tiny steps and experiment until you find out what works for you and what doesn’t in your workplace.
How to be more assertive
As I mentioned right at the beginning of the article, being assertive is about hitting the right balance. The balance between your rights/ wants/ needs and considering the other person’s needs/ wants/ desires. When you display assertiveness, you make sure you get your point across firmly and with utmost empathy. If your organization’s culture’s inherent nature is primarily passive or aggressive, you should absolutely consider working on the following steps.
1. Learn to value yourself first
The most important ingredient that goes into being assertive realizes your own value. It enables you to get a clear understanding of yourself, your value to the organization or team you are a part of. Your belief in yourself is the sole foundation of your very self-confidence and assertiveness. It will ensure that you realize that you deserve to be treated with all the respect and dignity. I will encourage you to raise your voice against unjust elements and stick up for what is right. It also helps you to protect your boundaries and recognize your true needs and wants.
One thing you should remember is that, although self-confidence is one important ingredient of assertiveness. You mustn’t develop the feeling of self-importance on any level. All your needs, wants, desires, and feelings are important but do not supersede others. They are just as important as others.
2. Be vocal about your needs and wants
If you work to your full potential, you can’t rely on people to somehow understand your needs and wants. You will have to make sure that your need and wants are met. If you wait for people to recognize and come up with what you need or want, you will probably wait forever. You must take some time out for yourself to identify things that you want. Based on that, set goals so that you can achieve them.
Once you are done with it, you can communicate the same to your boss and colleagues exactly what you need. This will help you achieve these goals in a much more confident and assertive way. There is a possibility that what you want right now might not be possible at this moment, but you surely can ask nicely. Asking politely if you could revisit or consider the request at the time of six months or so. It is all about requesting the other person with compromising your as well as their needs. Remember that you want help, and asking for it aggressively will do nothing but push them away. It can also potentially damage your relationship with the person.
3. Know that you can’t control people’s behavior
Never take responsibility for how people react to your assertiveness. Always remember that it is not something that you can control. If people get angry at you and act in a resentful manner, make sure you do your best to ignore them. Also, remember that you have control over your own behavior. Therefore, do whatever it takes to lose your calm no matter what and act thoughtfully whenever there is a need. As long as you respect others, not overstepping, and not violating others’ needs, you have the right to say whatever you want.
4. Learn to express yourself in the positive light
Communication is indispensable, and you should always speak your mind, even when there are difficult issues to deal with. It would help if you did not forget to do it constructively and with the utmost sensitivity. Learn not to be afraid of anyone, especially when you are speaking for your rights. It is even okay to be angry but do not lose control over yourself. It is imperative to stay in control, keep your emotions within limits, and be respectful throughout.
5. Stay open for feedbacks, both criticism and compliments
Accepting the feedback directed towards you in the right way is something that many people fail at. You should or at least learn to take it graciously, humbly, and positively. If you disagree with the criticism directed towards you, you are expected to put your thoughts forward about the same. Make sure that you are respecting the other person and not coming across as angry or defensive.
There are plenty of tools like a feedback matrix, which can help you sail through feedback’s positive and negative sides. It enables you to connect the things or facts you already know about yourself and things you think you need to explore on a deeper level.
6. Learn to say “NO”
Most people make mistakes when they overestimate their potential. They take up voluntary projects and tasks without paying heed because they already have their hands full. From a distance, it may seem right that you are taking the initiative and taking up tasks while pleasing people by not saying ‘no.’ This can sometimes fall back on the person. When you overcommit, you become susceptible to burnout. Therefore, you must learn to say no to people and focus better on the work you already have.
It is just impossible to do everything and please all the people. It is important to protect your rights if all it takes from you is to say “NO” wherever necessary. When you know that you have to say ‘No’ to someone, find common ground where you both can have a win-win.
7. Using Assertive Communication Practices
Some techniques can very well come in handy for you and help you communicate assertively.
Use the “I” statements
Use the “I” language as much as you can to communicate any assertion and get your point understood. You should use phrases like “I feel,” “I think,” or “I assume.” For example, “I feel that government is handling the farmer issue with no diligence.”
Empathy
Always express and recognize how the other person feels about the given situation. After taking the other person’s point of view into the perspective, express what you need.
Asking for time
More often than not, we find ourselves so overwhelmed that we do not know how to respond and what to respond with. Instead of going ahead with a baggage of emotions, it is often better to ask for time in such situations. That extra time will give you just enough time to collect yourself and formulate a response rationally. For example, “Haresh, your request is a little offbeat, and it has caught me off guard. I hope it is okay if I get back to you in the next 30 mins.”