We often hear people complaining about their partners or parents having anger issues. According to a survey conducted in the UK by Mental Health Foundation, it was found that mostly anger problems occur in places where emotions run high. There is a common misconception that all form of anger is bad. Your anger towards unethical practices or someone’s wrongdoing can lead to positive outcomes. Anger as a feeling is totally normal/ human thing to have. All of the stuff boils down to how you chose to act in a particular situation. Therefore, if we have to know how we can manage our anger issues, it is imperative to understand what anger actually is?
Merriam-Webster defines anger as “a strong feeling of displeasure and usually of antagonism.” What makes a person angry is different for everyone. Things that can induce anger in someone sometimes do not bother the other person even a bit. Somethings that are commonly known to induce anger in people are:
- Feeling of powerlessness
- Hurt
- Harassment
- Exhaustion/severe burnout
- Stress
- Unfair Criticism
- Unfair Demands
- Bullying
Recognizing Anger
We all must realize that anger and aggression are not the same things. Anger is just an emotion, and aggression, on the other hand, is a behavior. Not everyone who feels anger is aggressive and vice versa. Not everyone who is angry yells or seeks confrontation. Every individual has their own way of manifesting their anger. Some people channel out their anger by ignoring others, some by sulking, and some use sarcasm. Generally, people who do not directly vent out their anger are passive-aggressive, and often they can be even more difficult to deal with. Some people show absolutely no outwards sign regarding what they are feeling on the inside. These people are often damaging themselves by suppressing their emotions.
Managing your anger issue
We manage to curb our aggression when we defuse it before it becomes destructive. In the following part of the article, we will focus on strategies that can help you keep your anger in control.
1. Acknowledge your feelings
Sadly, the society we all are a part of tells us that some feelings like sadness and fear are signs of weakness. This becomes particularly tough if you are the head of your family or the leader of your organization or company. So, we try to conceal these feelings and put on a happy face. This often translates into psycho-somatic discomfort (like having a headache, stomach pain, etc.) and brings about anger.
Allow yourself to express what you feel. That will help you deal with the situation better. It is perfect to feel sad and scared in some situations. You should verbalize what you feel if that is something that makes you feel better. Just be compassionate towards your feeling and know it is okay to feel the way you do.
2. Actively look for triggers
We all have some triggers in us. With a trigger, I mean something which throws us off the track by surfacing our past emotions. These triggers can be anything, a place, a person, a situation, or some environment. If you do not actually find your triggers, chances are your anger will consume you.
3. Stay open for feedbacks, both criticism, and compliments
Accepting the feedback directed towards you in the right way is something that many people fail at. You should at least learn to take it graciously, humbly, and positively. If you disagree with the criticism directed towards you, you are expected to put your thoughts forward about the same. Make sure that you are respecting the other person and not coming across as angry or defensive.
There are plenty of tools like a feedback matrix, which can help you sail through feedback’s positive and negative sides. It enables you to connect the things or facts you already know about yourself and things you think you need to explore on a deeper level.
4. Empathy
Start by showing empathy towards the other person. Tell them that you understand why they feel frustrated and upset. You need to see things from their shoes and also for them to know that you are empathetic. After you are done with it, assert yourself clearly. For instance, you may have to emphasize that you have to submit your boss’s project by 6 pm. Tell them that it is important for you to complete this task and how essential it is to devote your undivided attention to the task.
5. Use Communication Effectively
We all go through days when we are happy and feel like we are on top of the world, while there are days when the world seems like a spiral going down. It is natural to shift between the moods now and then. Give yourself scope to express and feel a range of emotions. It may not be possible for you to regulate your feeling all the time but what you sure can take important measures to know your emotions and their impact on you.
6. Journal
Suppose you are one of those people who generally do not open up easily to people. I prefer not to share what they have inside unless they know the other person completely. The fact is, when you need that person who you can trust, that person may not be accessible at the very hour you need them. It is important to share your load and express how you feel. A mood journal is a container in which you can share whatever you want to, without even caring about getting judged. It would help if you gifted yourself this therapeutic gift of self-expression by journaling.
7. Don’t bottle up
If you work to your full potential, you can’t rely on people to somehow understand your needs and wants. You will have to make sure that your need and wants are met. If you wait for people to recognize and come up with what you need or want, you will probably wait forever. You must take some time out for yourself to identify things that you want. Based on that, set goals so that you can achieve them.
8. Focus on Self-Care
The career race that we all are a part of says nothing about caring for your own self. We often are not made aware of the importance of self-care. Self-care involves taking care of not only your physical health but also your mental and emotional health too. It’s the best key to have a balanced life. It’s not always sacrificing yourself for others, and it’s also about looking up for your own self. Worrying about things will not never make you happy.
You need to give yourself some peace and relax your mind. For instance, you can start to meditate or go for a walk, feel the nature around you. Think about those happy moments you spend with your loved ones. Share how you are feeling with your friends or someone you think you are comfortable with. If you don’t have one, discuss it with your family because at last, a family is all you need.
9. Learn to say ‘NO’
Most people make mistakes when they overestimate their potential. They take up voluntary projects and tasks without paying heed because they already have their hands full. From a distance, it may seem right that you are taking the initiative and taking up tasks while pleasing people by not saying ‘no.’ This can sometimes fall back on the person. Not realizing what is important and putting it on your plate can invite triggers. Take my word and actively try to say “no” to trivial things and not aligned to your goals. See and wait for just 7 days, if there are any consequences like casualties or someone losing their life because you said ‘No.’ After these 7 days, trust me, you will find it much easier to define the request that comes your way.
10. Take time off
Often people commit this mistake of considering the breaks as a waste of time. It is really cool to think that you can work for 7-8 hours at a stretch. But it is impossible to work continuously for hours and produce high-quality work, especially when on a deadline. It is essential to take a downtime and unwind. It is vital to take a break, think creatively, and work effectively. Although it can be a little hard to take a break when in the flow of work, you can set the alarm or schedule a break right in the beginning. You can do anything in break time, go on a walk, have a cup of coffee, or sit and practice deep breathing.
11. Learn to actively listen
When you are stressed and communicating difficult news, it is often important to listen to what people have to say or the person in question. You need to realize how important it is to take a step back, relax, and listen. It is imperative to pay heed to the feelings and emotions of the other person. You must reflect and demonstrate that you are listening. In certain scenarios, it is best if you let people take questions.
We human beings have this inherent need to be heard, and we tend to forget it while conveys difficult news. It is super frustrating when we feel that there is no one to listen to us. Kids scream about it, teenagers act fanatically, families break down, and even big organizations collapse. The biggest reason difficult communications fail is that listening is not given due importance. People generally do not think of listening as something that needs practice or something that we need to learn.
12. Understanding other’s perspective
When you are stressed and communicating difficult news, it is often important to listen to what people have to say or the person in question. You need to realize how important it is to take a step back, relax, and listen. It is imperative to pay heed to the feelings and emotions of the other person. You must reflect and demonstrate that you are listening. In certain scenarios, it is best if you let people take questions.
We human beings have this inherent need to be heard, and we tend to forget it while conveys difficult news. It is super frustrating when we feel that there is no one to listen to us. Kids scream about it, teenagers act fanatically, families break down, and even big organizations collapse. The biggest reason difficult communications fail is that listening is not given due importance.
13. Develop Agility
People who are rigid with things often are caught between tasks and get things ugly for themselves. Therefore, it is important to have agility while working. It would help if you had flexibility as there will be days when you will not be able to say ‘No.’ Days when there will be no one but you to delegate the unimportant urgent work. It is always safe to keep downsides in mind while you work.
This will prepare us to be flexible and walk that extra mile to do things for ourselves; often, we need to do it to keep people satisfied. Ensure that this does not become a regular thing as it will crush you in the long run.
14. Seek professional help
If you have tried all of the tips mentioned and nothing is really helping you control your anger, it could mean that you may have to seek professional help. Sustained aggression is a serious issue, and it can negatively impact many things in your life, be it your marriage or employment. You can start by talking to your regular doctor about it. These days there are doctors providing tele-consulting. You may connect with a GP who can further provide you with a referral of a specialist.