You do not learn anything when you talk, you learn when you listen
We human beings have this inherent need to be heard. It is super frustrating when we feel that there is no one to listen to us. Kids scream about it, teenagers act fanatically, families break down, and even big organizations collapse. The biggest reason communication fails is that listening is not given due importance. People generally do not think of listening as something that needs practice or something that we need to learn.
As a matter of fact, most people do not even know the difference between hearing and listening. We think that we are listening as far as we can understand the meaning of the thing the other person is saying. That’s not true. Listening is much broader than hearing. It about comprehending what the other person is saying, reflecting on the intent, and giving due diligence to the communication’s non-verbal cues.
We all realize that the ability to read requires training…the same would appear to be true of speaking and listening … training is required … Likewise, skill in listening is either a native gift, or it must be acquired by training.
Mortimer J. Adler
This article will focus on active listening as a technique and how we can train ourselves to become better listeners. Listening is a powerful communication technique. It is used in almost all professional settings, not just that it can be used in our daily lives. If you have ever been to a good therapist, you would have seen effective listening in action. A good therapist will listen to you with intent, paraphrase what you speak to gain clarity, and will ask you to expand wherever required.
The core of effective listening
Comprehension
Understanding what the other person is actually saying is the most important part of the entire communication process. But it is not as simple as it sounds. Although, in a lot of cases, comprehension happens in the background. You do not have to make an active attempt to comprehend most of the things you said to you. But then there exist some potential barriers that can hamper your comprehension:
- Foreign Language
- Use of abbreviation
- Jargons
- Slangs
- The difference is based on caste, race, age, rank, etc.
There is a great technique that you can employ to simplify comprehension by asking, “if you could explain like I am a 5-year-old?” If you remove all the above-mentioned barriers, it simply makes comprehension a lot easier, even for complex subjects.
Retention
In order for you to respond to the other person, you first need to retain what the other person has said. People retain things differently. Some remember the word of the thing to word with all the specifics. Some just retain the zest of what is said. It is a common tendency for people to just retain things selectively, in accordance with what they think is important.
When people actively listen, they focus on what is being said and do not formulate a response while the other person is still speaking. Listening is complicated because it involves you to put down your ego for an extended period. Often, we think we know what the other person is about to say, and we feel good about it. Similar to comprehension, there are certain barriers to retention:
- Selective listening
- Distraction (Internal and External)
- Cognitive Bias
- Short memory
Response
The conversation is a two-way street. It can not occur if just one person is active and the other isn’t. It has to be active from both sides. It requires careful responses, which can be done only after you have comprehended and retained. An active response should reflect that you really get what the other person is trying to say. You also need to show that you got all the other non-verbal cues and paid attention to all the words. To be an effective listener, you must rise above just the words and try to make a rich picture of the feelings and intentions. Make sure you do not read between the lines or misconstrue the meaning of what is said.
8 Effective Tips for Active Listening
1. Make eye contact
It is nearly impossible to make a conversation with someone who is looking here and there, studying something else, looking at a computer screen, or looking out of the window. You have no idea whether the person is attentive at all or not. If it is a child, you can straightaway demand their attention and ask them to look into your eyes when talking to them. You can not do so when you are with your partner or colleague.
This is considered a basic etiquette in most cultures, yet many people do not practice it. You still can talk from a distance. You do not have to be close if it is a short conversation that you are having. If the conversation gets stretched, then one of you will need to get up and move closer. You should have the courtesy to turn and face the person who is trying to talk to you. However, certain impediments can hold you back, like shyness, guilt, uncertainties, some taboos, and cultural differences.
2. Be Attentive
Given you have established eye contact with your conversational partner, now you can relax. You do not have to continue staring at the other person like a fanatic. Look around and act normally while you take the conversation further. Make sure you stay attentive throughout. By being attentive, you are expected to be present, pay attention, direct yourself, and stay ready to serve.
Mentally try and phase out all the distractions from the surrounding, which can potentially put you off. Also, try and not to pay a lot of attention to the texture of voice, accent, and even mannerism of the speaker to the point that it bothers you or distracts you. Lastly, keep your emotions, feeling, and thoughts in check as you speak.
3. Open Mind
A lot of people fail terribly in keeping their minds open. You need to listen to the other person without passing any judgment whatsoever. Not criticizing them (even mentally) when they are sharing something with you. If you feel alarmed, do not show it right away. If you indulge in it, you most certainly are compromising your effectiveness as an active listener.
Secondly, listen but do not jump to a conclusion. Often, people struggle to communicate exactly what they have in their heads while they speak. You will never know what is in the mind of the people you talk to, and there is just one way, i.e., listening.
Lastly, do not try and finish other people’s sentences. It isn’t polite if you do it repeatedly. People think at their own pace and speak accordingly. If you hastily finish other people’s sentences, it will accomplish absolutely nothing except throwing them off.
4. Visualise
Try and create mental maps of the information being shared with or visualize the information. It can be a literal picture in your mind or a flow diagram to remember what is being said to you. Your brain will automatically translate the words into pictures when fully alert and will help you retain information for long periods of time. When listening for a long period of time, focus on keywords and phrases.
Another important thing to remember while in any conversation is not thinking of your response when you are listening. You can’t rehearse and listen simultaneously. When you are listening, listen. Often, the information we are listening to is boring but makes it a point not to lose concentration, and if your brain starts to wander, try and bring it back to focus.
5. Never interrupt in between
Remember, when we were kids, we were taught that it is extremely rude to interrupt when someone else is talking. I feel that it has not been told anymore to the kids growing up. Take a glance at what is around. You will find just the opposite. Switch on your television and see any debate on a news channel or any reality show. You will find all sorts of loud and aggressive behavior. Interrupting the other person is disrespectful, and it also shows that you find yourself to be superior to others. It also conveys that you really don’t care what the other person has to say or maybe you do not have time to know what they think.
I understand that we all have different paces at which we think and speak. If you are a quick thinker, then the burden will be on you to slow down. A great communicator always takes the other person into account when speaking.
Another thing to keep in mind is when you listen to someone speak, do not give suggestions right away. Sometimes it is just hard to stay shut when you have a solution for the other person. The thing is that most people do not want your advice anyway and if they’d need they’d specifically ask for it. People tend to solve their life problems themselves. All they expect from you is to listen. Still, if you think you have a great solution that can really help the person, make sure you seek permission first by asking, “Would you like to hear my take on this?”
6. Wait for the right time to ask a follow up
Again it is obvious, but you do not see people practicing it a lot. It is totally fine not to understand what the speaker is saying, and it is a great idea to ask a question about it. The catch here is that you do not interrupt right when the speaker is in the middle of a sentence. A civilized way of interrupting is to wait until the speaker takes a pause or ask you if you have any doubt. Then you may ask or say, “I didn’t understand what you said a couple of seconds back about… If you could expand on it a little.”
7. Questions should be asked just to ensure clarity and understanding
As I mentioned before, questioning is a great tool of analysis, but it can also be a derailment tool. Imagine the following situation. You are having lunch with one of your colleagues. She starts to tell you about a trip she recently took and all the fun things she did. In the middle of the story, she tells you that she spent some time with Alisha, a mutual friend. Listening to this, you jumped in and said, “How is Alisha doing?” just like that, the entire focus shifts from your colleague’s trip to Alisha and her life. This is something that you probably can relate to. A lot of times, the question you ask takes the conversation to a different tangent. Sometimes we manage to get the conversation back, and many times it just jumps from one topic to another.
Next time make sure that you only ask questions for better understanding and clarity. Even if you think you should ask a question that can potentially derail the conversation you are having, make a point to bring it back on track.
8. Be Empathetic
If you feel sad when someone tells you a sad story, happy when someone expresses joy, fearful when you are described fear, or feel excited when you are told great news, and you can communicate all of it through your facial expression and words. Take it from me. You are already an effective listener.
Know for a fact that empathy is the soul of any effective conversation. It involves you to put yourself into the other person’s place and feel what the other person feels in the moment. It is not an easy thing to do. It involves a high level of concentration and patience.