Do you recall the time when you lashed out at someone just out of anger and ended up hurting them? I am sure you have also been a victim of someone else’s anger. The aftermath of lashing out on someone or being lashed out is never good. If your anger is left on its own, chances are that it won’t just affect the people around but also impact your life in general.
How to release your anger and hurt no one?
Managing anger is about realizing weather your anger controls you or you control your anger. In order to learn to manage your anger, you need to know a little bit of anger as an emotion and what is in it for you.
Anger is an important natural emotion that we all have. It doesn’t exist on its own, rather it has many feelings sitting behind it. Could be a range of things, from stress, anxiety, hurt, shame, fear, etc. It is important that you realize that anger is not “The Problem”. It is what it makes us do as the expression is the real problem. Susan David, Ph.D. in her book Emotional Agility, said that “people judge themselves for feeling negative emotions like anger, disappointment or sadness. Repressing or denying these emotions makes them stronger and leads us into deadlock.”
A four-step guide to managing your anger
The following is a four-step guide that will provide you with an important framework. The framework can be used to build a healthy relationship with not just anger but also negative emotions and feelings.
1. Accept your feelings
Accepting how you feel and embracing what is inside you. It can be uncomfortable emotions or feelings that are difficult to process. By just acknowledging and accepting, you avoid repressing your feeling. It enables you to develop Emotional Intelligence (EQ). Having EQ helps you get better insights and wisdom. It makes you better equipped with decision-making skills. Helps you choose what is best for you when dealing with stressful things and overwhelming situations.
Make sure you acknowledge, at the same time ensure you are not coming for the place of judgment but kindness. Show compassion towards yourself, it will enable you to be much more aware of what is going on inside you.
2. Be mindful
Once you have accepted your feelings and emotions the way they are, the next step is detachment. Detach yourself from what you feel. It is a difficult step, therefore you need to be prepared and get in the right zone. It will take time. You need to let the emotions run its course, while you sit back and observe. Try and observe what are these emotions about. You can deploy tools like self-talk, you can talk yourself from “I am feeling angry” to “At this point, I need to step back and observe my feelings and emotions”. Look at the emotions to figure out why that emotion is there in the first place. It is all about trying and figuring out what these emotions are trying to tell you.
3. Know your Why
Knowing about yourself, who you are and your underlying motivation is instrumental in getting clarity. The answer to why helps you sail through tough times. Knowing the Why is often empowering for many. It becomes the foundation of strengthening will power. It gives the right direction and helps navigate through tough times. Even it helps you find the resilience to help you deal and cope with anger. There are online quizzes that can’ help you get some idea about knowing what is important to you and what is not.
Move on
This is a critical step and the step where you try and change your mindset and your habits. In order to make a difference in your life. Accept that changes are to stay, disruption and uncertainty are part of life. Learn to embrace it. Know that you are learning to manage your anger and not repressing it. Managing is always better and productive than expressing and hurting others. Moving on is all about changing your mindset. Look out for things that you can do that can have a lasting impact on you. For me, personally, writing a gratitude journal turned out to be a game-changer.